My father-in-law

All week long I have been looking for the right words to say to my husband, and how I feel about the passing of my father-in-law. It has been hard for me to express the sadness I feel. The pain, anger, and the overall hurt. Dave was a good guy. Even though I only knew him for the past 15 years I felt that he truly liked me and thought I was good for his son. I don't feel like he ever held back around me when he needed to get something off his chest or had a bad word to say about me. Even if he did I don't think he would say it. Some of the things I will remember about him is his tractor rides with the kids, playing games with all of us, working on the pool in the summer, and how he always wanted a belt and wallet for his birthday. After he got his belt and wallet he had to come up with something new. Not to mention his penchant for being a smart ass when he could. Perhaps maybe that's why I liked him. We share that. He was also so excited over the fact that I started my own business. He kept telling me I would need to get employees some day.

I guess what I am angry about is the fact that he won't get to know Sara and vice-versa. I got to know my grandparents and spend time with them. I have fond memories of playing golf with my grandfathers, going camping with them, and going for bike rides. I even remember eating the best hamburger I ever ate from my grandmother. It is hard for me to think that Sara won't have those type of memories about her Grandpa Williams. He won't get to share in her first birthday and take her for a tractor ride.

I guess I am also angry at the fact that he smoked for such a long time. Even though the doctor told him he needed to stop he didn't. He smoked cigs for most of his life and I know it is hard to give the habit up. I guess I was just angry at the fact that I knew what was going to happen and there wasn't a damn thing I could say or do to make him see that. Doctors talk about lung cancer but that isn't what kills people; it is emphysema that kills people. It is what killed Dave.

Over all I just have a sense of loss. Knowing that he isn't around anymore. That if Eric needed help his dad won't be there. Knowing that none of our parents are immortal here on Earth and that some day I will need to do the same with my parents. I can't even bear the thought of losing my Buster puppy let alone a parent.

I am also sad at the fact that Eric couldn't be there when he passed. I know that things happen for a reason and he didn't want Eric to see him that way. It is still just hard. I have been seeing Eric beat himself up over the fact that he didn't take enough pictures of him with Sara or videos of them together. It breaks my heart.

I have been crying off and on over the past few days and little things have set me off. I cried when Eric told me about his passing but what really made me cry was when Eric brought a small part of his air hose home. Sara would play with it when she was on his lap. As Sara played with the hose I couldn't hold back my tears. Suddenly Eric was consoling me instead of the other way around.

I know that you are going to read this Eric and I am sorry he is gone. I am sorry you will not see your dad again. I am sorry if you think I was harsh about his smoking. I knew he wasn't going to make it out of the hospital but I didn't want to say anything. I wanted you to have hope. Most of all I am sorry we couldn't spend more time with him at the end.

Wherever you are sir, what ever you might be doing, I hope you are happy. I hope there isn't anymore pain. I hope that there is plenty of air to breath and lots of people to talk with. I hope you know what you meant to us still left behind. Over all a loving man.

We all will miss you.